Disconnect...

Lately I'm becoming more and more aware of the disconnect between the way things are and the way I want and need them to be.

I want to be this on fire for God Christian showing Christ's love literally with every breath and word. I am failing miserably to do that and even struggling to spend time in prayer. Struggling with myself as we search for a church to know exactly what I believe, and to know that the kind of church I'm comfortable in may not be the kind of church i should be in. And, honestly, just struggling to understand why I believe what I believe.

I want to eat sustainably and responsibly but there is a struggle with actually cooking that way and affording to cook that way and spending my time that way. I know this will come with time especially once we're all moved out to the farm and raising almost all our meat, fruit, vegetables, and grains, but it very frustrating to want one thing in my head and another in my mouth. I'm not gonna lie, I could eat a whole box of hostess cupcakes if I had to :)

I want my house to be clean or at least moderately straight most of the time. I am not talking immaculate, I would just like to not have to freak out if company is on the way in 20 minutes. Housekeeping is a struggle for me and always has been. Growing up I always said I would have a maid. Ha!

I want to be a normal weight and I'm not. I want to eat healthier and exercise more (it wouldn't take much to be more!) in order to lose some of the 4 babies in 4 1/4 years weight I have put on. I think I am actually joining a (very cheap) gym tonight. I'll let you know how that goes.

As disconnected as I am feeling right now, it is a very happy time in our family right now. Nathan and I are getting along famously and the kids are growing and amazing. I guess this is the way it is in this life, ever striving...